Tramlines Festival 2016 is depressing and warm: Saturday

It’s Saturday and I wake up earlier than usual, relieved to be not hungover. I know today is going to involve a lot of heavy drinking so I make sure to fill my stomach with a bacon sandwich with brown bread. I realise I have no brown sauce so I have BBQ sauce instead and it tastes ok.

The first band I want to see is at 3:20pm so I watch Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon do impressions from their TV comedy The Trip and think about how going on a 5-day driving tour of Italy with my friend Elliott in September will be nowhere near as good. I listen to Dead Ringers whilst I’m showering and practice my impression of Michael Gove. “Oh, err, Hello Theresa. It’s me, ah, err, Michael Gove.”

I do some other impressions and realise that although I can manage a few Conservative politicians I can’t do a single Labour one except a very bad Angela Eagle and wonder why that is. I think about working on doing a good Jeremy Corbyn by September.

I iron some black skinny jeans, a black pro-Putin t-shirt which reads: Kosovo is Serbia. Crimea is Russia. I find my sunglasses and request an Uber to Carver Street. As I step out of my apartment building I worry that I have left the iron on and I try to stop thinking about it.

I see Kong at Crystal Stage. The frontman Conor swears several times which I assume is because he’s giddy to be playing in front of such a large crowd. On regular weekdays, he rarely swears. You would not believe he’s studying to become a nurse from his onstage persona or a sweary rock’n’roller.


My sister and Zoe meet me after the first song and I trade sunglasses with her because mine are slightly too small and hers are slightly too big. They are the exact same style of Ray-ban rip-offs. I assume they are not drunk because they are not being loud yet.

The three of us head to Frog and Parrot to watch Adelphi. I order 2 pints of white wine with ice and the barman gives me a discount because I used to speak to him about bassline in the smoking area at school 8 years ago. It’s incredibly crowded and everyone is covered in sweat.

I turn to Conor Houston and tell him that I’ve been spreading a rumour he’s a mean-spirited person. He looks confused but his girlfriend laughs. I have a morbid thought about a terrorist attack and have to actively think about other things to stop it.

After Adelphi we head to the Tesco on West Street I was in the night before and I get a can of Gin & Tonic, a packet of cigarettes and £50 cashback. It’s hard to resist the urge to shoplift, but I manage it. Lucy, Zoe and our newest recruit Amber buy 10 cans of Pimms to drink on Devonshire Green.

I briefly pop into the Washington to say hello to friends and catch five minutes of a happy upbeat indie band whose name I do not know. I drink another gin and tonic then head back to Devonshire Green.


We go to the Green Room in anticipation of Vultures who start at 6:45. They are nowhere to be seen so we order more gin and drink it in the smoking area at the back. We miss Vultures, who play a 3 song set and my parents come to meet us.

They want to go to the Old House so I leave them and go to the Washington. At the Washington, I order more gin and speak at great length in the smoking area about how successful I’m going to be. Amber decides we should drink more gin. We drink more gin, then some more and end up dancing in the smoking area singing to the Cribs really loudly.

I request “more indie music” and the DJ tells me they are taking a break. I tell them to take a break on their own time and they don’t seem to understand how funny and witty I am. I think about how much better I’d be at their job, then I decide I need to get some food before I pass out.

I fall into a chicken shop and order a garlic bread pizza. For some reason the Uber I just ordered is not responding, he cancels on me, then another, then another, then another. 4 Uber requests later and no drivers are available. When my food arrives I get in an old school black cab.

I forget the 4 digit door code to enter my apartment block and drunkenly mash buttons because I focus for a second and manage to punch it in correctly.

I look at the clock and it’s 11:45pm. I go to bed.